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Friday, January 8
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I'm thinking that nobody reads this blog anymore - and why should they when I rarely update?Which is good because I'm feeling funny right now and don't really want anyone's comments but yet don't know where to put my thoughts --
I think I am falling into depression right now, or maybe it is just the creep of the night - but honestly I have not been feeling well for the past few months. Perhaps it took a toll on my physical health as well. I am feeling it more than ever especially now.
Since school started 3 days ago, I started the spiral of downhill emotions because it is like starting all over again. Different classes, too much hassle. I am making the best of it by making new and closer friends. Bringing the acquaintanceship to a friendship, which isn't hard, but way too troublesome. At this age.
Also, the start of the downhill spiral of emotions happened a few months ago when I started having sudden memory flashes of my past. It would happen at any moment regardless of what I was doing. The flashes are not easy to bear because I realised how much I had "forgotten", how much I had buried deep in the crevices of my mind.
With that, I started experiencing insomnia. By my "past", I mean things that I possibly didn't want to do but ended up doing anyway. And whenever I have memory flashbacks, I feel that this "past" happened so long ago, that I thought that it never existed, but in reality it did, and it was only a matter of a few years before it came back to haunt me.
When I went to see my counsellor about a year and a half ago, she told me that this was a common defence mechanism which comes naturally to some people which helps them heal difficult emotional wounds. I thought that it was crap because I thought that I didn't have any emotional wounds at the time, or during the times, when I was living in my past, my then present.
Until now, after being jolted by the memories, I still don't see any sign of emotional wounds that led me to live my life then. I still think that I knew fully well what I was doing and was not blinded by some negative emotions that would lead me to this day.
So, I tried recalling other elements of my past - such as past relationships, because the past that is haunting me is mostly of people that I didn't really care about.
And I found out that I can't remember a single thing.
I try to refresh my memory with pictures but when I stare at these people, people whom I used to care about and spend tons of time with, nothing comes into my head. And I get stressed out because I then think, "How could I have spent almost XX years with this person and yet remember nothing about it??" How could I have lived with and devoted my time and energy in a relationship yet totally not have any memory, emotion or something, just something remotely linked to that person?
It really stresses me out because I am now wondering if my 'natural defence mechanism' has blocked out the elements of my life and the days as they go by, and only allow me to remember when it chooses to??
.
.
.
I admit that I have short-term memory.
But not to this extent...?
I can't remember anything at all. I can't even remember my 21st birthday when it was just last year. And I realise I didn't blog about it so I don't have anything left to remember because when I look at pictures, I completely don't link myself to being there at all.
I can't remember my poly life at all. I can't remember anything about my childhood to say the least. I can't EVEN remember what it felt like to start dating The Boyfriend.
It is almost like I had lived a completely different life with a complete set of emotions, a body, a mind that is different from the ones I have now. Like everything had been wiped out and the only emotions and memories I can remember are those that I have now. For only a short period of time before it is erased again.
I am trying to remember my 22nd birthday now and I vaguely remember something like that happening but I cannot fully remember anything at all. In my mind, everything is jumbled up and I know that I will lose any inkling of this memory soon.
I find this very very disturbing. I have tried talking to The Boyfriend about this but yet I don't really know what to say because after all, it would involve talking about my past, which is a touchy subject. I don't understand why I feel this way and definitely don't expect anybody to.
But I just want to know why.
Sometimes I can even look at my dog, my precious Junior, and for a split second stop and think if he were really my dog. And I know this because I am looking at him, knowing fully well that he is my dog but yet I don't recognise him. Sometimes.
And sometimes I look at The Boyfriend and wonder if I had just gotten to know him? He would suddenly seem like a stranger to me. And then I would try to recall the past I had with him but yet everything would be blurry and fuzzy.
Reading this I think I sound mad and deluded even to myself.
I wonder whether there is really such a thing as going crazy and if so, am I on the way to that demise? Or is it just depression? Or memory loss - amnesia maybe? Or Alzheimer's?
Glad to know that this does not happen when I am studying for my exams though.
Besides all this depression crap, I also have some weird thoughts in my head with relation to The Boyfriend. I don't know how to put it in words. It is like, he is in my life and I know we have a future together which I want, but all these funny thoughts like ...
Wanting to feel wanted - although I know fully well that I am in every aspect of my life. But mostly, I want to feel wanted by The Boyfriend. I think our relationship has come to a point where its very stable and he's comfortable with me as I'm with him. Nothing is lacking but something that I cannot put my finger on. Something that I cannot place, but yet is important to me.
...
Was interrupted by a phone call from someone who had just had a bad breakup. No reasons given which I felt was unfair to him. Through the conversation I realised how unfair it would be to a person who had given their all to a relationship yet receive nothing in return.
And I hope that I do not do that to the one I love.
This entry is one that is confused, alone and unexplainable. I wonder who can give me the answers to my queries.
No harm in wondering - because no one can, if I can't.
the angels they burn inside for us|3:14:00 AM|
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