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Tuesday, February 24
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I never knew I would be judged so harshly. Or maybe I knew, but I just didn't want to believe that it would actually happen.
Of course, I had expected it, but yet when it happened, I reeled from the shock and the pain.
Of course, this whole online blog space is a memoir of all the things I had done in my past, some are self-censored, while others are downright blatant. Since I was 16.
This year I've turned 22, yet the atrocities have not ceased. This year has barely begun but already reeks of scandals.
I'm the textbook definition of a rebel
I see the crowd moving left and I've got go right
I'm always in some trouble
To me life ain't fun unless you're in a good fight
Now that I'm attached to a guy whom I really and truly believe is good for me, I am unable to make myself a better person. Because I am simply too stubborn, too hard-headed and too adamant in my own ways.
He is the only person who believes that the core of me is not who I was in the past. He is the only person who really and truly accepts it.
And last night, I was judged very harshly by an adult friend of his. It was said of me that logically, he should break up with me because "there are many girls out there who are better than her, and she will only lead you astray in her world. And then you will stop serving God, soon you will pick up your first cigarette, and you will cross the line,"
Of course, that line has already been crossed.
I was stung by the comments, told to me by him. I guess I expected it. In his world, people are virgins till marriage, people don't break up in relationships; they solve problems together, they are virtuous and stable.
In my world, sex is a pleasure, people break up because of problems they think are irreconcilable, and they are selfish.
So the more you're good to me
The more I try to get you to leave
I have always told him to continue serving in church, although he wanted to step down, because of certain consequences to the youth group due to the fact that he's dating a non-Christian, atheist-to-the-max, non-virgin, smoker girlfriend. But now, he has decided to continue serving, which is what I had always wanted him to do, although it would mean lesser time for us. I have always felt that he should do what he likes to do, as long as it doesn't harm us.
Mostly, because I respect him and believe that he is capable of making decisions.
But I hate it when he asks me to go to church with him.
All I wanna do is have a good time
Let the beat go through me and just take me away
You've been trying to get with me for a while
And I've been telling you to save that for another day
I've always known that religion would be the biggest barrier in our relationship. I have told him that when I was reluctant to go into a relationship with him. How can two people possibly live together with different mindsets and values?
So last night, stung from the comments that his mentor-friend gave him about me, I still kept my cool. I knew what was coming and I felt the heat rise in my face. How dare he ask me to go to church with him just because he "knows what's best for me"??
I hate going to church because I don't like the people there; I think they're all hypocrites who pretend to love God and be so holy. I am so resentful of it that I get fainting spells in church just to get out of it, I think everything is so fake.
But I believe that it is the humans who make God appear like that.If anything, I would gladly believe in God (although I don't) as long as I don't need to go to church. One does not need to go to church to believe in God.
So I went to have an argument with my boyfriend about going to church and how I don't want to go to church. I ranted on and on and he just sat there patiently waiting for me to stop. In my mind, thoughts like "Why do I have to be the one who is always sacrificing for you?", "You are not the one being judged so critically by my friends but yet me being with you makes me end up like the bad person, the one who is leading you away from all the supposedly good things" and stuff like "It's all my fault anyway for choosing to be with you".
In the end, we came to a compromise that I would go to church on ONE sunday only. Just one. I'm sure I can handle just one sunday. And if I faint, I most certainly will not have to attend the whole thing.
And he shall never ask me to go to church again.
All my life I've made excuses
Pushing you away, saying that you're not for me
All my life I ran from Cupid
I tried everything
The last blow he dealt me was about crossing the line. He decided that we should stop having "moments of pleasure". If you know what I mean.
I thought I would die at that moment.
Nobody has ever told me that they did not want to have a sexual relationship with me. Nobody has ever resisted. And now, he's saying that "Sex is very sacred, only to be shared between married couples,"
I mean, yeah, but a relationship is not complete without it!
I just can't believe it, until now. I mean, who gets to decide what is best for the relationship? Is it him? He keeps saying "I know what's best for you,"
And I know it is best for me and for us, these decisions that he is making, but I was unable to accept it, because I do not like being told what to do, when to do it and being controlled.
Although I knew it would be good for us. And me. Especially me.
So yeah. Now I am celibate for the rest of my life until I get married. It is not possible or likely that I am going to have a change of partner until then.
Please just die with me, everyone.
No sex!! For the rest of my life until marriage!!! Argh.
I bet my mother would be shocked. I myself can't come to terms with it.
I never would've thought
You'd be the one
That I'd be with in the end...
I never would've dreamed
That you and me
Would be together in the end
An almost impossible partnership of two unlikely people.
the angels they burn inside for us|2:49:00 PM|
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